For all of you who are or were stuck in a toxic relationship: you are not to blame.
I know all the responses of others:
- You should have known better.
- This could never happen to me.
- It was obvious for me from the start. Why didn’t you see it?
- Why didn’t you find a better man?
- Why did you marry him at all?
- You are a family now. You need to fix your problems.
The thing is: a toxic or abusive relationship cannot be fixed. The only thing you can do is leave. Or crawl silently out of his way, jump up, grab the kids if you are a mother, and run.
You should be proud of yourself
And remember: you could not have known better. Toxic and abusive people are very manipulative. They can be charming if they want to and very delusive. Everyone can get into their net, especially if you fall in love with them. And if you were brought up to believe, like I was, that a relationship means work and that you have to be patient and tolerant, you will tolerate his broken promises and his cruelty. At least for some time.
And if you are brave enough to choose a free life and leave (or flee), you deserve a medal of honour. Tell yourself that every day. The second thing to tell yourself: it’s not my fault.
P.S. There is no such thing as “mutual domestic violence”, by the way. There is always one abuser and one victim who is trying to defend herself, who is fighting for her life. It’s a disaster that Johnny Depp has won against Amber Heard. A cruel slap in the face of all women who have suffered abused, a clear message that there is more protection for the abuser than for the victim. And a proof that victim blaming is still the most popular way to deal with domestic violence. I pray for a world where victims of male dominance and cruelty can finally be protected and find justice.
PP.S.: The next thing you should focus on is self care. You need a lot of it after such an experience.